"guess since im a white man im not allowed to have opinions"
your opinions have shaped the world we live in today not being catered to for 83.9 seconds will not fuckin kill you
Complete and utter nerd living in the rains of the Pacific Northwest. This is just a place for me to keep track of the funny, beautiful, cool, geeky, adorable, whatever things I like.
So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.
OMG ITS BACK
This shit needs to be published.
This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.
being vegan is so emotionally draining like i can’t even look at someone drinking a milkshake without wanting to cry this is ridiculous if your ‘food’ makes me emotionally distressed that might be a sign that it’s not good
dude get over yourself
yeah but what if fred weasley became a hogwarts ghost
pulling pranks and flirting with seventh-years and telling an over-exaggerated version of his death to anyone who will listen, haunting slytherin first years and popping up in the boring classes and making faces at the teachers behind their backs
skip a few decades. george weasley dies.
fred’s ghost is never seen again in hogwarts
I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY
Hi Tumblr! I’m Betsy Cornwell, and my first novel, Tides, just came out in paperback on April 1st. (The hardcover and ebook have been out since June but anyway PAPERBACCCKKK) It is clearly giveaway time, so I have a signed and personalized (I do rather awesome seal stick figure drawings) copy to give away here on Tumblr.
Tides is about selkies and oceans and familes and secrets, and it’s nominated for this year’s Bisexual Book Awards. You want lesbian mermaid(ish selkie)s? Tides has ‘em. Plus women rescuing each other, body positivity, cute nerd boys, and lots of the other things I always wish for when I read fairy tale retellings.
Here be the rules:
1. One reblog=one entry (reblog as many times as you like!)
2. must be following MEEEE (lady-adventurer) *
3. I will ship worldwide, I live in Ireland and the US-only giveaways pain me
4. Winner will be chosen by random number drawing
5. Winner will be announced on May 1st & will have 48 hours to respond to my “you win!” ask before someone else wins
6. I seriously appreciate everyone who helps me out by reblogging this and I will happily sign all y’all’s books if you send them to me
7. And we’re off!
Normally before a battle the men would make themselves up to look as beautiful and amazing as possible. Then they’d go out and hack each other to pieces. That’s not my bag, of course. But based on that you can hardly call make-up unmasculine.
And look at all the old kings and dandies.
And if you look to the animal world, so often the male is more beautiful then the female - look at peacocks and lions.
Really make-up and beautiful clothes are fundamental to me. It’s just that we live in such a strange society."
David Bowie, speaking in 1972. (via glamidols)
waterbending at its finest
Dear white people,
Please stop cosplaying as PoC characters.
Anyone can cosplay as anyone/anything they want. Also, that’s the actual voice actress for Korra. She literally IS the avatar.